Tuesday, November 10, 2009 A.D., Day 40 - 140 to go…

If you hadn't heard from me by now, it's because I thought I'd be doing a Porc411 by now and letting you all know that the torture was suspended. Well… it's not. After "my" hearing yesterday, Judge Burke gave the word that we ought to have his order in about 30 minutes for my release. That was day 39 of my pain, neglect, sadness, loss, headache, heartache, and lots of other "wonderful" things. Today is day 40 and quite honestly I don't know if I can take much more of this. The pain that has been in my body for so long now, the neglect of the ones who are supposed to have the job of caring for me has gone on now for far too long. What "lesson" could I possibly be learning here? Immediately after "my" anxiety filled video hearing here from the jail, my words were used against me, twisted in a way that I can't possibly understand the motive. The "Corrections" OFficer, Merrill, and I'll give him the benefit of the doubt, misheard what I said and immediately used it as an opportunity to keep me caged by calling the court via tele. Granted, I'm not the most eloquent of speakers these days and it's compounded dramatically further due to my 40 day long incessant pain in my body, it's just not easy to smile folks. I'm just being honest. So, it's possible he took my words to mean something other than what they were intended to express. I felt like vomiting, I often do. It's likely due to any combination of aches, pains, stress, anxiety, side affects of long term Motrin use *which thankfully I've been switched over to a generic Tramadol (sp?) pill which is helping a bit more, etc. I'm not exactly un-grumpy a lot. Do you think that gets taken into consideration? No, it got twisted. I get further beaten into the ground, miss my family, my dog, my ability to care, my ability to get proper care, my fingers… oh… yes, two plus two DOES equal five! And the beatings continue. No, I am at the point where I understand that I do not deserve this. I have all along felt that way, but now more than ever. I never hurt anyone, but I can tell you that I understand why people do, who have no ability to cope or forgive, do hold awful resentment upon departure from a place like this. It only is the product of what this place manufactures. When are WE going to stop this insanity? The system of fake justice has beaten me. I'm just being honest folks. I really don't know what to do now.

Aubern has been working with tenacity that is unbelievable, to get me out. My friends, family, brothers and sisters have been praying for and with me. Where is any kind of real justice? I'm sorry if I'm coming off as being full of self pity. I do know that it isn't just me who this is costing.

Oh, I've learned my lesson. I've learned my lessonS, many of them. As I sit here befuddled by the thoughts and feelings inside me, as I shake my head, I can't fathom what else, how much evil, how much more can I take, can my loved ones take?

The rest of today, I was just about passed out because I'm tired of the pain, plus the new meds I'm on as of day 39, in the evening, I started my 1st dose. Haven't been up much since.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009 A.D., Day 41 - 139 to go

I'm beat folks. Still trapped in here, being treated like a killer.

It's odd, I can't seem to remember things that I spoke and words in particular, that I've always known. Phrases seem to be missing words. I can't remember what one word of acronyms I've used for years are and this is happening repeatedly. The physical pain, though, lessened by the new meds they are doping me up with, is lessened, but my brain seems to be entirely off today, as it has for a few days now. It feels like I'm living in some bad dream, some evil alternate reality. It can't be possible that I was "allowed" to leave, then in some two plus two equals five Orwellian nightmare, I get beaten again, even after giving them the answer they wanted.

At "medical pass" this morning, I asked God to help help her sick soul. That was directed towards "Nurse Ratchet," yet another person here with an ugly soul and awful power issues. I'm a bit loopy from the meds so I can't describe it all too well, but finally I got a write up… it was literally for praying for someone, yes I wanted her to hear it.

Yesterday, after being brought to tears by all the neglect by the medical staff who are harming me by "not doing anything about your issues" said P.A. David Segal and also today "Dr. Hannihan"… I think that is her name. I'm truly "off" due to both the pain as well as the meds. They are telling me that I have a swelling of an ocular nerve which does not rule out Multiple Sclerosis. That is very odd as Tarrin has already alerted me that they will do their very best to find nothing. I don't have a primary care doc any more and I'm not sure what to do about it all.

I miss my wife terribly. I know she has been struggling vigilantly and tenaciously to get me out of here. The violent people are hurting not only me, but my love of my life, my family, and robbing my previous world of peace and freedom and anything good and right. Mail-to-Jail.com is a saving grace and thanks guys for writing. Ian, I'm quoted? I'm not that good…yet.

These days, due to the pain I'm in, it sure is hard to be positive. If you know me, you know that I'm typically one of the more hopeful and boisterous of the world. I think the drugs are taking a toll on me too. I'm sleeping all the time, which makes my exercise time/stretching very depleting. Thanks Mark Edge, for continuing to call about them getting me an independent opinion. They won't lift a finger, and today they literally said they are doing nothing. I'm sure this is going to be hard enough to read as my writing is worse than ever (drugs). I don't forget you, anyone out there. I love you all and thank you for making my life second to none, not just in spite of it all but because of it all.

Peace, Love, Prayers,

Kurt